<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>The One Who Looked Like An Angel by ohgodmyeyes</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28737378">The One Who Looked Like An Angel</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohgodmyeyes/pseuds/ohgodmyeyes'>ohgodmyeyes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Ending, Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Angst, Awkwardness, Betrayal?, Canon Compliant, Disappointment, F/M, Foreshadowing Canon, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, Padawan Anakin Skywalker, Reader-Insert, Sad Ending, The Clone Wars - Freeform, The Jedi Order, but apparently not from you, but not the TV show, this has nothing to do with that</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:13:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,733</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28737378</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohgodmyeyes/pseuds/ohgodmyeyes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>For a long time, you've been determined to save Anakin from the pain caused by the Jedi Order's unrealistic expectations. You hold him, listen to him, and love him; as his fellow Padawan, there isn't much more you can do than that. </p><p>When he returns from his most recent mission, you are excited to tell him of the plan you've concocted to leave the Temple; you intend, of course, to take him with you.</p><p>The only problem is that following a series of unexpected events, Ani may no longer want to go...</p><p>  <i>An alternate ending to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27070708/chapters/66097069">Little Box</a>.</i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anakin Skywalker/Reader, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The One Who Looked Like An Angel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This isn't how the story actually ended, because this isn't how I wanted it to end. :)</p><p>If I'd used this, it would have been chapter five.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Standing guard at the Temple was boring, to say the least. On a typical night, nothing happened; even on an atypical night— a night like this one— the job was mind-numbingly simple. Many of the elder Jedi and a number of their Padawans had been called away recently; for what purpose you had no idea, because (as usual) no one had told you anything. It was because of this sudden exodus that there was scarcely anyone inside the Temple for you to talk to, even in passing, which only seemed to compound the dreariness of your task.</p><p>Anakin was gone too, but he hadn't left with the others; he'd been away for weeks— this time, it seemed, he had been the one to be sent off. In his absence, you'd heard rumours and whispers of spreading political turbulence, but again, you were hardly privy to the sort of information that was freely afforded the more senior members of the Order. This frustrated you as it always had; however, your own level of mental and emotional engagement with your Jedi training was beginning to falter anyway.</p><p>Something about seeing Anakin relegated, alone, to an alcove in the infirmary following his apparent suicide attempt had been somewhat of a last straw, as far as you were concerned. The care and compassion the Jedi seemed to outwardly espouse were hardly present within the Temple, and part of you had always known that. Having held Anakin as he'd cried into your robes from his spot in that little bed, though, had served to sever almost entirely whatever tenuous connection you might have still retained to the idea of being a Jedi Knight.</p><p>You'd had a bag packed, in fact, for almost as long as Anakin had been away: Stuffed beneath your bed, inside of it was a set of clothing, a tiny selection of hygienic items and very basic medical supplies, a few spare credits you'd managed to obtain and hide following your missions, and— perhaps most significantly to you— that old flame-gem of Anakin's. The one he'd been gifted by his mother; the one he'd subsequently gifted to you. Even though it was perfectly safe in the little pocket at the front of your bag, you'd taken it out often since he'd been gone; held it, studied it in the light, and even slept with it clasped in your hand.</p><p>It was nothing like having him by your side, of course; nothing like holding Ani himself, but while he was beyond your reach, it at least made you feel less alone here. You always feared for his safety, but that precious stone he'd entrusted to you was a source of reassurance; of comfort. When you held it tightly and concentrated very hard, you were sure you could feel traces of his energy emanate from it, although you only ever used it that way sparingly: Nonsensically, part of you believed that if you drew too much of him out of it, the reserve of his essence contained within it might soon run out. That thought was patently illogical, really, but it was still something you feared; something you dreaded.</p><p>This time, you found yourself missing Anakin more than you ever had. Upon his return, you planned to tell him not only that you intended on taking your leave of the Order, but that he was more than welcome to join you in doing so. You knew it would be hard for him to tell you that he would, indeed, come along... but you were also quite positive that was exactly what he would opt to do. After all, you'd been talking (and dreaming) with him about leaving for years— all you'd ever needed was for one of you to begin to carve a path.</p><p>Another thing you knew was that you'd more likely than not have to make your exit rather covertly, lest Ani be guilted or cajoled into staying behind. You yourself wouldn't be missed; at least not for long, but Anakin Skywalker was another story altogether.</p><p>It was clear to you that you were taking a chance in attempting to extricate the 'Chosen One' from the Jedi Order, but his supposed destiny was killing him; sucking the life right out of him like a vacuum. You couldn't watch him suffer anymore, and you certainly weren't going to watch him die.</p><p>Realizing that you'd allowed yourself to get caught up in your thoughts, you pulled yourself back into the present; back to where you were. You looked about the outside of the Temple; listened to the sounds of the city all around you. They seemed far-off, even though you knew they really weren't. Soon someone else (more likely than not another Padawan) would come to relieve you of your duty; give you the chance to go back to your quarters for some rest.</p><p>You looked forward to the opportunity to think more about just what you were going to do upon Anakin's return; more about where you two might go, or even what you might try to accomplish, once you were far enough away.</p><p>More than anything, though, you were looking forward to seeing him again: It felt like it had been far too long since you'd last put your arms around him, or had the privilege of looking into his eyes. </p><p>As you scanned Coruscant's gleaming skyline, you silently hoped that the next time you did get to look into those eyes, they would be imbued with something besides pain and anxiety.</p><p> </p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>To your great relief, Anakin did return to the Temple— although not with the other Jedi, and not with his Master, either. When you'd seen Master Obi-Wan come back without him following their mission, you had a distinct feeling that something was amiss; however, you didn't dare ask about it. Several Jedi, apparently, had been killed recently in a series of particularly nasty skirmishes; however, all you managed to find out through your eavesdropping was that none of them had been Anakin. While immensely grateful that he hadn't perished, you couldn't help but wonder what could have happened to make him late in coming back.</p><p>You were sitting on your bed when he did arrive; it was, as when he'd been ill, the middle of the night: You hadn't been able to sleep. You felt him this time, though, and you felt him strongly. By the time you came upon the impression that he'd entered the corridor leading to his own quarters, he seemed to be all by himself— and so, of course, you leapt from your seat and exited your room to go off and meet him. It hardly mattered to you if you got caught, because you knew you were leaving soon... and frankly, you could hardly wait to tell Anakin all about what it was that you intended to do.</p><p>You shouted his name when you saw him; couldn't help yourself. He looked jarred, but Anakin nearly always looked a bit jarred— you didn't think anything of it. The corridor was empty except for the two of you, and so you ran up to him excitedly; wrapped him up in the same kind of embrace you always did, any time you were afforded the opportunity.</p><p>"I missed you," you said, as he stiffened up in your arms. The first thing you always told him when one of you returned from a mission was that you missed him.</p><p>He said your name first; after that, he very slowly began to loosen up. With what seemed like an unusual level of hesitance, he put his own arm around you; his right one. You noticed as soon as his hand touched your back that something about it felt different, and so you pulled away to take a look at his face.</p><p>"Anakin," you started, "what happened to—"</p><p>"I was stupid," he interrupted, because he already knew what you were talking about. Taking his arm back from around you, he lifted his hand up to show it to you. It was, to say the least, nothing like you remembered it.</p><p>"Did you—"</p><p>"A traitor cut it off," he informed you gravely, gazing at his own brand-new bionic hand and forearm. It looked highly advanced; somehow you didn't have to ask to know that he had fashioned it for himself. It was black-and-gold, with spindly-looking mechanical fingers that you could already tell possessed much more strength than their appearance betrayed. Perhaps it had been his recovery from his injury that had delayed his return to the Temple. "I've been on Coruscant for a little while," he said, confirming your supposition. "I had to make sure they built this the way I wanted it— and after that I had to... well, run an errand."</p><p>"I wish I'd known," you said. "I was worried about you."</p><p>Usually to hear something like that from you would have made him smile... but presently, he remained stone-faced. "I'm fine," he said. "A lot happened while I was gone, but you didn't need to worry."</p><p>"Do you want to tell me more about it?" you asked. "Come back to my room with me; we can—"</p><p>"Let's go to mine," he suggested instead, cutting you off yet again. He seemed almost nervous right now; uncomfortable... although not in quite the way to which you'd grown accustomed. Looking around himself, he added, "Come on, before anyone sees us— I don't need to get into any more trouble."</p><p>"...Okay," you nodded, somewhat confounded by the uncharacteristic level of caution he seemed to want to take. It made you wonder what else he'd been through while he'd been away, aside from losing one of his limbs. You followed him down the hallway in silence after that, until you reached the door to his space. After taking another glance over his own shoulder, he opened it; motioned for you to come inside.</p><p>The first thing he asked you upon shutting the door behind you was, "Did you know we're at war, now?" The manner in which he turned to face you sent a chill down your spine, between his icy expression and the near-ominous way his robes moved in tandem with his body. He seemed to have aged since you'd last seen him; how could anyone come to look so much older over the course of a few short weeks?</p><p><i>"War?"</i> you echoed incredulously. "No, nobody told me—"</p><p>"Well, we are," he said, looking unsure as to whether he ought to sit on the edge of his bed or stand in the middle of the room. "Parts of the Republic want to secede; an army of Clones was commissioned to help us fight them."</p><p>"'Us'?" you asked. "But Jedi aren't soldiers; they're—"</p><p>"We are now," he informed you matter-of-factly, apparently deciding that he did, in fact, want to sit down on the bed. You followed him; did the same.</p><p>You tilted your head inquisitively. "What do you mean 'we'? We're still only Padawans, you know." You wanted to add that you wouldn't be for very long if he was willing to come away with you, but you didn't; you wanted to hear more about what had happened to him first.</p><p>"Once I pass the Trials, I won't be a Padawan anymore," he said, looking straight ahead of himself. "Hopefully this damn war won't put too much of a wrench in that."</p><p>You studied him for a moment; tried as subtly as you could to get him to look in your direction, but he didn't seem to want to. He'd never spoken of the Trials so seriously before, let alone what you'd believed was a half-hearted desire to complete his training and be Knighted. You felt confused; taken aback— as when you'd entered the room, you couldn't help but notice how very different he appeared. How much <i>older,</i> and not necessarily in a way which was cause for admiration.</p><p>You placed a hand on his shoulder, but once again, he seemed to stiffen in response to your touch. "Ani," you began cautiously, "what happened while you were away? I don't mean your arm— I mean it seems like you're—"</p><p>"My mother is dead," he said, finally looking over at you. You'd have expected him to look sad about it; to cry or to reach out to you, but he didn't. </p><p>For a moment you couldn't muster any words; that was the last thing you'd have expected to hear him say. "...Dead?" you finally repeated; followed by, "Anakin, I'm sorry— I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say, I—"</p><p>"You don't need to say anything," he told you. "All you need to know is that I'm never going to let anything like it happen ever again."</p><p>"...What do you mean by that?" You really couldn't tell— you hated that his mother was gone, but living beings had a distinct tendency toward dying. Surely he wasn't saying...?</p><p>"That's why I have to complete the Trials; become a Knight," he explained. "The more powerful I become, the more I'll learn about the Force. If what Master Obi-Wan says about me is really true, I'll be able to harness it even better than the Jedi on the Council; well enough to keep people I love from having to die. Maybe— <i>someday</i>— I'll even be able to bring my mother back to me." He looked away from you again as he finished; his hands were folded in his lap. He stared at them intently, in particular his 'new' one. The one whose touch had shaken you.</p><p>Your heart sank, because it was then that you realized he wasn't about to follow you away from the Order. Not if he thought staying meant he might be able to have his mother back. You thought the mere notion of trying to cure death was not only improbable, but macabre; unethical. You doubted very much that the elder Jedi would impart such a lesson onto him, but given the intensity of his demeanour, you didn't want to say that right now.</p><p>Instead, you fell silent.</p><p>Anakin was quiet too for a time, but soon he spoke up once again. His voice softened as he started, "...There's something else I think you should know about. Something else that happened while I was away."</p><p>"What is it?" Your hand remained on his shoulder; you wanted to be close to him right now. He still hadn't touched you back... but at least he wasn't shrugging you off. </p><p>"You have to promise me you won't tell anyone— <i>no matter what."</i></p><p>"Not a soul," you assured him. You didn't have to know what Anakin's secret was to know you were going to keep it. You loved him; you'd have done nearly anything to maintain his trust.</p><p>He swallowed hard at what seemed to be a lump in his throat; after that, he said in a tone barely above a whisper, "...I got married."</p><p>If hearing him say he no longer had even an abstract intention of leaving the Order had shocked you, then hearing him say he was married nearly turned you inside-out. You'd always known you'd loved Anakin in many different ways, but that fact had never been quite so apparent to you as it was right at that moment. Anakin had never belonged to you the way you imagined a husband belonged to a wife; you were well aware of that. The two of you had, however, shared something that you often thought might very well go beyond mere friendship— the way you cared for one another; the way you touched each other when it was dark and you were alone and there was nothing to stop you...</p><p>Had he, you wondered, even given you a second thought before entering into marriage? Who the hell <i>had</i> he married, anyway? No one was as close to him as you were, or at least that's what you'd thought.</p><p>"To who?" you asked simply. </p><p>It didn't appear as if he wanted to look back over at you, but he did, if tentatively. His expression was still cold and hard, but you were sure you detected a hint of contrition in his eyes— <i>those</i> eyes. The eyes you'd missed; the eyes that seemed to have changed along with the rest of him.</p><p>"Do you remember me telling you about the girl I met when I was little? When I still lived on Tatooine?"</p><p>You did, but given the way he'd spoken of her in the past, part of you had strongly suspected that she, whoever she was, had been imaginary. You supposed, now, that you'd been foolish to doubt her existence. "...The one who looked like an angel?" you asked, because that was how he'd described her: Angelic; ethereal— unfathomably kind to him, when he'd needed kindness the most. </p><p>He chewed his lip; nodded. "Her name is Padmé," he said. "She's— I mean, it's—"</p><p>"It's... fine," you said, finally taking your hand away from his shoulder. "It's good, really— I'm happy for you."</p><p>He must have been able to sense that you really weren't. He shifted to face you; now he was the one trying to look into your eyes. You didn't especially want him to. "She took care of me," he said, still as quietly as he'd ever said anything. "I never thought I'd see her again, and when I did, it was..." He trailed off, and shook his head. With a distinctly plaintive gaze, "You understand, don't you? If I told you about everything we just went through—"</p><p>"You don't have to," you said, beginning to rise from your spot on the bed. You wanted to stay with him; wanted him to know that you still loved him— that you'd always be there for him. Now, though, wasn't the right time. For all the practise you'd had over the years hiding and suppressing your emotions, you found that right now you just weren't up to the task.</p><p>You looked back at Anakin then, in spite of the tears beginning to prick the corners of your eyes. They felt hot; too hot. Why should you be crying? You and Anakin were friends— friends who comforted each other and held each other and loved each other. You'd been intimate in ways you maybe shouldn't have been, but all things considered, you had no reason to feel hurt right now... did you?</p><p>In the midst of your staring, you couldn't help but notice that the expression on his face had reverted back to one you were more used to seeing: Anxious; curious— a little bit lost. </p><p>It only served to remind you of why you felt so desolate right now.</p><p>"I should go back to my room," you said, in lieu of anything else. He'd been right: If he intended on staying in the Order (even if it was for the purpose of trying to do the impossible), then he really didn't need to get in any more trouble, did he?</p><p>"...Are you mad at me?" he asked you, in just the same way as he had when he'd watched you pack your bags. Before he'd thrown the sconce and been sentenced to laundry; before he'd tried to poison himself. You supposed— <i>hoped—</i> that between attempting to resurrect his mother and yearning to please his new wife, his days of trying to erase himself from existence had come to a close.</p><p>"No, Ani," you told him, and you could both feel and hear your own pain in your voice. "I'm just tired— you need to rest too, don't you?" Only weeks ago he'd have reclined in his bed, and invited you to do the same. He didn't do that now.</p><p>What he did do was nod. "Yeah— yeah, I guess I do. I... guess we both do."</p><p>"Then rest," you said, forcing a smile through the tears which were just then beginning to trickle down your face. "You're okay, aren't you? You'll be safe?"</p><p>"I will be," he answered. "I'll be fine."</p><p>With that assurance, you left his room. As soon as the door shut behind you, you let your face fall along with the rest of your tears. You couldn't have held that smile for another minute, no matter how much you might have wanted to. Your vision blurred as you made your way down the corridor and back to your own room; you wiped your eyes with the sleeve of your tunic, but it didn't help. </p><p>When you finally reached your quarters, the first thing you did was dig into the front pocket of the bag beneath your bed. You took out Anakin's flame-gem, and stared at it through your grief. Part of you wanted to throw it across the room; part of you wanted to give it back to him. Most of you, though, wanted to lay down in your bed with it tightly clutched to your chest... and that was the part of yourself to which you acquiesced.</p><p>What else could you have done?</p><p>It took you a very long time to fall asleep that night; when you did, you dreamed of dirty laundry and haroun bread; of the scent of sweaty wool, and the warmth of tight, anxious flesh. Graciously, you did not dream about insecticides or misappropriated lightsabers; however, when you woke, you could have sworn it was to the sound of strangled crying.</p><p>Ever since you were very small, you'd always been told that Jedi did not have nightmares the way other people had nightmares; however, you weren't a Jedi— you would <i>never</i> be a Jedi.</p><p>Your decision to leave the Order, after all, had already been made. You'd made it a very long time ago, and you weren't about to change your mind now. The fact that Anakin wanted to stay for the morbid purpose of wanting to cure death didn't change it, nor did the fact that he didn't seem to need you anymore. Wherever you went and whatever you did, you would always love him... even if he'd finally made you painfully aware of the fact that he wasn't really yours.</p><p>Anakin's spirit was far too big for the Order; you'd always believed that, and you still did. What you hadn't realized before was that it was apparently too big for you, too.</p><p>You sincerely hoped he'd fit in his wife's arms more safely and comfortably than he ever had in yours.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm so glad I didn't use this one. :x</p><p>For the record, I ship the hell out of Anidala, but let's not lie to ourselves and say that relationship even comes close to ending well in canon.</p><p>I hate this ending because it means he's going to burn, which might be why I didn't edit it very meticulously. (Sorry.)</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>